Continuing Arguments
With fewer in-person meetings, office gatherings and social occasions to attend in the last few years, we have all had fewer arguments outside of our home. When home, many families have a few sore points that are easily accessed to remind another family member where they are wrong. These are often well-practiced disagreements. It is difficult to maintain face and turn the other cheek and much easier to fall into a defensive stance about personal beliefs. If the argument was going to be fun and provide a little lively debate on thought, that might be interesting, but it is usually just a chance to demonstrate where someone is right. We all like to be right.
Annoying Arguments
Workplace arguments don’t feel the same. They suffer by being influenced with a past performance of incompetence or unproven future outcomes. The uncertainty can never be denied and can be repeated as certainty. Uncertainty is certain. We all know that. When we disagree with others at work, we have to maintain that work-civil face and use professional words to highlight the stupidity of the thoughts or actions of others. We can definitely keep that underlying annoyance in our voice to allow everyone to know our real feelings. It’s a little like watching two adults start a discussion in couples therapy prior to really getting to the real painful places they should actually be talking about. But at work, there won’t be that kind of helpful process. The sound and feeling of annoyance just pops up every time you encounter that person.
End the Argument
There are ways to stop long-term arguments. They require a change in habit. Since family arguments can be anticipated and they do represent rifts with relatives you had no choice in, there is more incentive to plan a new response. Without becoming the high-handed person that floats above the argument, it may be more beneficial to see what looking from below does to the facts. The key point is to avoid the usual conversation. That’s not hard to do. Staying off the well-worn path opens up the possibility of a detour. It steers the whole trip to a new place that no one may have explored. At the very least, it can provide a space to hear something you may not have felt open to previously. Change happens more organically and must occur on both sides. Neither was ever right.
Self-Argument
These are my personal favorites. Arguing with myself means I win either way. When I start to connect with opposite thoughts, I have to get creative and make sure that each are treated fairly. Both sides of my argument must be heard. Some of us think of this as creating a list of pros and cons but it can be so much more. Tapping into your own thought process allows you to clarify real strategies for success. You really do know your own truth even if it is not lived out on a daily basis. Arguing with yourself will eventually bring you to the place where you understand that you are hiding some of your own reality. There may be really good reasons for this, usually involving safety and fear. But inside of you, there will be a point when your own wall breaks down enough that you don’t choose to hide behind what you have been showing. You will be outwardly who you really are inwardly. Don’t fight it.
Are you comfortable being your realest self anywhere? Are you annoyed enough with continuous arguments that you are ready to upend them? Do you give yourself space to self-argue?
