Demand vs. Request
Life includes bunches of stuff that has to be done. Everything would certainly fall completely apart without their proper execution. I can’t put my finger on any of them at this precise moment, but you know what I am talking about. Many of these fall under the heading of requests in our brains but they don’t really include the possibility of a failure of performance. So, they are really not requests; they are demands. The chief organizer in each household is typically in charge of doling out these requests, er, demands. They often sound like questions, but you know that is how they are disguised. A fairly ordinary request might sound like an invitation to take out the trash. But the person who is hearing this request knows they don’t have an alternative. That makes it a demand. It might be very sweetly said but you can’t really hide the feeling that goes along with it. It has to get done.
Discourtesy vs. Correction
These are painful because we don’t like to be reminded of our failings. A statement of discourtesy often masks a correction of some type. These can be heard first thing in the morning when judgement is passed on the art of dressing for the day. It may sound like a question regarding if an outfit is going to be worn but everyone knows that we rarely dress ourselves in the morning knowingly choosing the wrong clothes. There can be eye-rolling involved in this question. It implies that a correction is required to be socially acceptable. It does not allow for creativity. And it can create a crater of pain in the person being judged. When it happens repeatedly, it generally gets ignored. Other examples include but are not limited to corrections to the amount of clothing left on the floor, food or friend choices, attempts to point out the adverse effects of drinking or shopping too much and the generalized discourtesy that lingers in the air over negative sounding questions.
Frequency
The worst part of these interactions is not the actual demand or correction. It is the fact that this is a normal way of communication. In a household, if these questions take the place of actual dialogue, a large portion of the time spent in conversation is taken up with these inauthentic methods. Getting used to reacting to these little jabs might get the tasks done or share the perceived errors, but the chance to really talk to someone is lost. And if nothing changes, the feeling that comes with being told what to do or expected to do occurs before the actual statement. If you have ever wondered why a teenager or a partner left socks or towels or basically anything on the floor right next to a hamper, the mystery is solved. They are waiting to get their automated reminder. Humans oddly like recognition of any kind. That covers why the fastest moving human on the face of the earth is a toddler with a lollipop. They got your attention, didn’t they?
Rethink your Choices
I am under no illusions on how hard this one is to change. We get used to saying the same stuff and it’s easy to respond on autopilot. The brain knows what to say and gets it done. My suggestion is to choose one regular demand at a time and change the tune. The first interaction of every day with everyone you come into contact with should be as pleasant as possible. At home, in the workplace and at the businesses we visit, starting the day with something good would be a great change. Our relationships would immediately improve with ourselves, whether we are the speaker or the spoken-to. I can’t make any promises on the state of the hamper use, but it would be a good experiment to ignore it and see what happens. Eventually the pile would get picked up or someone might wonder why they weren’t reminded to do so. That would be funny. And we could all use a few more laughs.
Outside of demands and discourtesies, how many other interactions do you have every day? If your boss actually couched more work less as a fake question and more as a chance to have a dialogue, would your relationship be based more on truth? Can you rethink your own statements so that they actually have better impact?
