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Big Deal Day
It happens. It could be that little remark about your hair or clothing, a last minute demand from someone you can’t deny or even a partner who let you down. A simple event causes some thoughts in you that you don’t want to make a big deal out of so you stuff down your feelings. But your subconscious is upset in a natural response and you don’t want to or can’t show your true emotions. When it is something you think should be easy to dismiss, you are minorly shocked at your own reaction.
No Big Deal
To show that you can handle last minute requests or are a team player or prove that you don’t get offended easily, you try your best to behave in an adult manner and say “No big deal.” Every human knows what that really means. Your reluctant reply is also a passive way of letting all involved know that it is a big deal. To you, not to them. Those who want to ignore your feelings will take you at your word. What a concept. No one is fooled in this scenario.
How to Deal
Letting it go really isn’t the right answer. Negative feelings, even those buried, build up over time. They become part of the energy field that exists between you and another person who has denied you the right to be asked properly for something. When the request is taken away and the demand is inserted, trust decreases and the relationship gets chipped. You are avoiding a confrontation to keep the peace, but at what cost? Avoidance vs Addressing the issue becomes the real question. The usual rationalization is that it was not intentional. Southerners usually follow that up with “Bless your heart.”
Deal Bravely
This is one of the instances that I will add to my list of times to start with my coping statement that starts difficult conversations. Even if I just state it in my own head. “I want to be brave enough to have this conversation” works well to enable my need to seek a discussion instead of an argument. It eases me into the right mind to use respectful language to explain how those little triggers work up my nerves. It helps to put a little time and space between the event and my initial feelings. But I don’t want to ignore it because that doesn’t solve anything. I might even regret not having finally tackled it the next time it occurs. Getting a little help in the understanding process allows the speaker to rethink their request and improve their own communication standards. Maybe everyone needs a little something to deal with.
Can you accept disappointment in yourself or others better? If you can describe a situation from the sidelines, is there a better chance of recovery? Have you heard yourself say “It’s no big deal” lately?
