In middle school, I watched my first spitball match. As most games go, there were rules. You make a spitball, you threw a spitball, you get hit with spitballs, you return another spitball. Sometimes I check with clients on their understanding of games and rules. I ask, if I threw a spitball at you, what would be your reaction? Answers vary little and most people would make and throw a spitball back. Even though it is gross to make or touch spitballs as adults. We understand the rules for engagement. But do we know when not to engage?
In my arsenal of tools, a primary piece is my place to be calm. No one knows me better than me. Others will think their own thoughts but the reality is no one knows your thoughts; they are in your head. If you do not share them, others should not presume to know them. As an example, I received a snarky note from a person who didn’t even know me enough to pick me out of a lineup who referenced some “angst” they thought I had endured due to their mistake. No guessing who uses the word “angst” anymore but it is not in frequent use and its meaning refers to a deep anxiety. Ouch. Spitball. If you know anything about reality and thoughts a la Byron Katie, you recognize that the “angst” actually belonged to the sender.
Being calm, remaining calm, having your own calm is good defense when boundaries are ignored. Daily routines can bring stress when they go awry. Unexpected consequences can too. Even a well planned system sometimes unravels. Technology and the constant use of computers for daily work give us a lot of evidence on how far we are from programs working without errors. Most of us already understand that there are unwarranted consequences to errors online.
You must find the calm that works best for you. All the time. Depending on your personality, this can be anything. Sometimes a run will help or a long walk in nature or breathing. But sometimes there is just the action of stopping. Considering. Pausing. Sitting back. Closing your eyes. The good part is that it is almost always practical. Driving and caretaking may delay the break, but the opportunity will come to soothe yourself.
Take Two is my antidote. Taking two seconds or two minutes or two days means the difference between popping off a hasty response that will continue the spitball match or skipping your turn. It’s always your chance to stop.
Are you able to take two or do you always feel the need to be right in an exchange? Try pausing once to see what the difference is and eventually you may gain some insight into others and understand that you do not know what anyone else is really thinking, unless they trust you enough to tell you. Will your response insure that they choose not to trust you again?
