Wrongs can be Right
Many of us have a thick vein of perfectionism that actually undermines the finished product. In an effort to get it right, we get it wrong. Early on, we are taught that when something is perfect, it is the best. We like to be complimented and really like the recognition that comes with beating everyone else. It’s not bad to be competitive unless it involves dirty tricks. It is important to be able to accept defeat also. That is a tough one for perfectionists who are engaged in a battle to make sure that their work gets admired properly. Perfectionists are often great debaters and persuaders.
Regrets, I’ve had a Few
Regrets are hard to absorb. They often include some mind drama on something that wasn’t done properly. I still regret many clothing choices, menu selections and projects that didn’t end up as I intended. Sometimes it was my effort and sometimes it was the competition. Winning against a low bar doesn’t feel as good as taking first place with worthy challengers. At least we can say we earned the title. If you watch a beauty pageant, most of the contestants are so similar that it is difficult to say which one should win. If you watch a contest that involves some skill, it is easier to notice who has the advantage. And we like to see practiced abilities rewarded. But regrets should be limited as much as possible because they tend to linger like unfinished business.
Insert Forgiveness
Trying to use forgiveness to repair regrets and wrongs does not always mean dropping the actual offense. It is possible to just apply forgiveness to your own thoughts in order to clean up your side and get the benefit of decreasing the suffering. When you get closer to feeling neutral about an error, it transforms the situation into something that can create a better outcome. We don’t easily want to forgive most people when we get attached to the negative feelings we derive from their intent. It can become righteous to be the one who was wronged. But that doesn’t always mean that the offender feels bad. It just means that one side has adjusted their viewpoint. It is easy to feel like a saint as you forgive the transgressions of others. If you apply that to your own transgressions, it is a little like wallpapering over a wall full of holes and expecting not to see the imperfections.
Don’t Regret the Right
It is difficult to forgive others. We like to cling to our wounds. They are like battle scars that prove we have fought the hard fight. But leaning into being full of forgiveness makes it easier to repeat it. It is almost as if the actual thought of forgiveness ends up being the lesson. It doesn’t even depend on who did what. Self-forgiveness and forgiving others, even when they don’t know, ends up being the counter-intuitive method to increase the pleasure of forgiveness. There is that subtle feeling of letting go that often makes us question what the big deal really was. Forgiveness shrinks the wrongs. The additional benefit is the lack of regrets that are carried along the way. And when you don’t have room for wrongs and regrets, you have space for why perfectionism shouldn’t be the goal. Maybe it’s time to accept your own excellence instead.
Who do you need to forgive? What can you silently forgive to make yourself feel better? What is behind your wanting to be perfect?
